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Staying on this Path

Love is in the air! Well…not my air but in my friends’ air lol. I’ve been bombarded with wedding planning and discussions lately…and I love it. My friends are happy and that makes me even happier than I already am. Just as long as no one asks “When are you getting married?” But…I’m fortunate, most friends and family and usual nosy people know not to ask me questions like that. Sometimes getting an answer to a question out of me is like trying to get that camel through the eye of the needle. I’ve gotten better though…kinda. 😕

In other news…I’m dropping weight because this summer is going to be awesome and I have to be ready for it. Of course the more I get back into working out and mixing up the meal plan, the better I am feeling. Which is really good considering I am having health issues (surprise, surprise 😑) and I hadn’t been feeling my best prior to the recent change. I’m just trying to stay positive in all aspects of life. And so far that’s working out…it’s been months since I’ve felt the sadness or any anxiety. So I’m apparently doing something right. Just gonna stay on this path. 

 
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Posted by on March 26, 2015 in Daily Living

 

The Timing

Well since I’m wide awake I might as well write right? Right. But not just write, because I write almost daily, but write and hit “post” when I’m done. 

Too often I come in here and I write then I hit save in drafts. What stops me from hitting “post” every time? I would like to think I’m pretty open. So why can’t I post? I have no problem sharing my story…because you never know who might need to hear it. So why is it so hard sometimes to just hit “post” once I’m done writing? It’s because I’m private. 

I never mind sharing my life…but things have to happen in time. And not always in my time either. So many times I’ve wanted to shout about things but I couldn’t. The timing wasn’t right. No matter how much I tried to find a way around the timing to make now be the right time, it didn’t matter. Timing is always perfect though. 

I’m laying here thinking about how many times I felt like I had horrible timing or some event had horrible timing….then in retrospect I realized, the timing was perfect. Even things that aren’t necessarily good…the timing is still perfect. Even if we don’t understand why immediately….and sometimes there are things that we will just never understand…but trust the timing. Don’t rush it. I tell myself that often. 

So I’m going to continue to write…and hopefully I can begin hitting “post” more often now. I just have to relax and trust the timing. 

 
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Posted by on March 2, 2015 in Daily Living

 

New Year…Blessed Me

Happy New Year!!!

20 days in and I’m loving it already. This past year was bumpy, but good. So many lessons learned and adventures taken. Life seems to be falling into place. I told myself I would try to keep in touch with people a little more this year. I spent the past 2 years being anti social at times and extremely distant as I attempted to figure out my life and my new responsibilities at home and at work.

But as I prepare to move myself and Jordyn into our new home, I am looking forward to a new chapter. It will be my first time moving into a place without someone else, so this is a milestone for me. My first time truly living by myself came when I was almost 5 months pregnant and it was sudden. And now, I have Jordyn of course, but essentially it is as though I live alone because of her age. Just the two of us.

I am also still chilling and living the single life. I have a friend that is trying her best to set me up on dates though. I’m not opposed but I’m also not pressed either. I just want to remain in my chill state until it feels right to do something different. Several have made mention that I should get out there and meet people. Again, I’m not opposed but I’m also not pressed. Plus it is hard for me to do that. I don’t have the luxury of being out and around new people too often…it really feels like not at all. The few times I do go out, I’m around the same folks and my focus is just on relaxing and having fun. I don’t really think on meeting new people. Maybe I’ll make more of an effort this year. We’ll see. But one thing I definitely do know is that I’m feeling more like myself these days…I haven’t felt like this in years so hopefully I won’t lose this feeling.

 
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Posted by on January 20, 2015 in Daily Living

 

Just me…encouraged.

I never imagined I would be a mother. Definitely never imagined I would be a single mother. But here I am…a single mother. Not a mother who is single…as that has become the latest thing to want to discuss on social media…but I am a single mother. I do it all without input from her father. The tossing around of blame as to why he doesn’t do this or why he doesn’t do that got old quickly. I’ve always told him either you will or you won’t. No one is going to force you to do what you should be doing. Furthermore, the excuse after excuse of why…I don’t accept it. You are CHOOSING to not…no one is making you not.

It really is crazy how you never know how strong you are until you have no choice but to be strong. I have no choice. My life is no longer about me…I have a daughter to raise. I refuse to let her down. I must say that my load is definitely lightened because of those around me who love my daughter and love me and will do anything for us. But at the end of the day…it is just me here for her. Mommy. That’s what she knows.

Yesterday I cried…happy tears. These tears were brought on by the brother of my child’s father. Sometimes we all need a little appreciation, and he gave just that. He gave me words of encouragement and appreciation and he let me know that he loves both my daughter and me. It really means a lot when people can see that you are truly doing your best in a situation that isn’t the worst, but certainly isn’t the best. It is especially great when you are constantly feeling defeated and being made out to be the bad guy.

Frustration. Being misunderstood is the greatest frustration. But I can’t just sit here and dwell in it….because my baby is growing up and life is going on. I keep a smile on my face…if nothing else makes me smile she certainly does.

 
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Posted by on September 17, 2014 in Daily Living

 

Not a victim…still living.

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Dubb sent me that. It made me cry. What people see on the outside is only the surface. If it were only the outside…I can deal with the outside. The inside has reached boiling…is it going to boil into evaporation? Will something else be added and it boils over? That’s what I’m trying to avoid. The boil over. Yesterday almost caused it. I simply turned off the heat.

I have the most precious child in the world (yeah I’m biased). She’s the only reason there is no boil over. I can’t lose myself because I have to be here for her. It baffles me the priorities of others…and how they don’t understand why my priorities are the way they are.

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These words are so true. I keep getting accused of changing. Because I have grown. I would never dumb myself down so I also won’t pretend that I am the same person I have always been. I’m not. At my core…I haven’t changed. I’m still selfless and sweet. But I’m in control, I’m no longer a victim.

 
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Posted by on September 3, 2014 in Change, Life Lessons

 

I’ll be back…

I’m tired of people asking me what’s wrong then getting upset that I don’t want to talk about it. I’m taking a break from life. *walks away*

 
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Posted by on August 26, 2014 in Life Lessons

 

Avoid…

Ever since granddaddy died I have been in a stage of avoidance. I don’t want to deal with anything sad. I don’t want to deal with death. I don’t want to deal with sickness. I just have been pretty much ignoring it all. But…it has come to a point where I have to quit being selfish. I have to quit avoiding and I have to deal.
This past week has been SO hard. With my baby girl gone out of town on vacation, that leaves me with more than a little bit free time. That is time to be in my thoughts and in my feelings. I had an emergency Monday evening that landed me at my parent’s house for the night while I sorted through how to fix the problem. But that occurred right in the middle of 2 bigger issues that I have been avoiding. Sickness in the family.
I have an aunt that has now had 3 strokes in 4 years and her health seems to be rapidly declining. Then my other aunt began chemo treatments back in June and watching her go through it has been so hard. And her counts are also declining. Mix that with my dad who seems to be stable for now…but he seriously has me worried at times. His counts went down this last time he was checked, but he swears he feels fine.
I have seriously been avoiding things…I just don’t want to deal with them. But I would hate for anything to happen and while I am being too selfish while still grieving the loss of one of the first men I ever loved unconditionally. I’m going to work on it.

 
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Posted by on July 25, 2014 in Daily Living

 
 
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