I gotta find an outlet. Writing isn’t working because then I don’t wanna post what I wrote. Talking about it isn’t really helping either. I just didn’t see this coming…like a dagger.
Hurt. The type of hurt that nothing can fix…all you can do is accept it and move around it. You can’t heal from it…you can only leave it where it is and walk away. Knowing you gave all you could. Knowing that this hurt was inevitable. Without explanation. Denied.
Many times in the past Dubb has questioned why I accept raggedy friends. I always try to see the good in everyone…even when it comes back to bite me in the ass. She has also told me several times before to not act surprised that people are acting exactly how they already showed me they would act. Yet…I keep the raggedy around. Some I have kept out of loyalty that even when they are being raggedy they still manage to come through for me. Others I have kept out of guilt and the feeling that if I care I won’t leave. I’ve been a big girl before and walked away…late, but the point is I did it. Most times I become a coward and I try to make others walk away from me instead.
I thought I was done being a punk until today. Today I came to the realization that I was enabling and allowing raggedy to once again remain. When asked why by a different friend I answered quickly and honestly….out of guilt. Guilt that I owed her something because I did her wrong. Never mind the fact that she had done me wrong over and over and over. She is one of those “You can’t hurt my friend but I can” types. So while I knew she was taking up for me in several cases, I was ignoring the fact that she was tearing me down in so many more.
So while I believe I have done such a great job of no longer accepting raggedy….one still remains. She’s in the distance, yet she’s very much there. The thought was that she will leave and that will be that, but the reality is she isn’t going anywhere if I don’t make her. But today it was brought to my attention…she cut me off long ago. She comes around for convenience and information. So why the hell do I need to hold on?
As I lay here about to fall asleep, I figured I should come write. Baby girl was gone 6 weeks, the last 2 she was gone I was a mess. Borderline depressed because she was gone too long and I’m sure I won’t ever need a break that long again. I admit, I was seriously struggling before she left though. As a one year old her communication was in place but not solid enough for me to feel fully confident that I was meeting her needs. That of course led to many frustrating days and nights and eventually I was over it and needed a break or some help. So I was more than willing to say yes to her leaving for 6 weeks. Never. Again.
But while she was gone, I wasn’t completely bored. Spent more time with The Man. Who is The Man? Well…he’s actually someone that I’ve been dating off and on for the last few years, and have been friends with even longer. We finally decided to do this for real. The transition has been so easy and just flowed, life is amazing. I’m just happy to be happy WITH someone. Funny because I had settled into single life and was really enjoying it….then boom now I’m in this whole relationship.
Of course…………….someone has been popping up and trying to stir the pot. Can’t let the devil in on this one.
Hello Summer! I know, I know, I’m late…not completely though since it has only officially been here less than a month. I feel like I have been SO busy the past few months, so the past couple weeks have been a much needed break in my life from the running around. I’m about to get a bigger break though…baby girl is leaving me for 6 weeks this weekend. I’m really looking forward to the break but I’m already sure I’m gonna miss her like crazy!!
We got to spend a little time with her brothers last night, we actually have been spending time with one of them more often too….nice that the siblings are trying their hardest to keep in touch. But the oldest is heading off to college in a few weeks and since he is leaving the state he wanted to be sure he saw baby girl before she leaves. I love the communication that is there between them, her aunt and uncle, one of the mom’s of the boys, and myself. It’s rough being in a mixed family, but communication is key and I think that the kids are all going to be just fine.
Right now I am focused on a wedding I’m in this September….more on the weight loss for it lol. I’m trying to be FINE in my bridesmaid dress and for my +1 😏. Also focused on making sure I make the most of my “kid-free” time and hopefully this summer can go down in the books as awesome!
Love is in the air! Well…not my air but in my friends’ air lol. I’ve been bombarded with wedding planning and discussions lately…and I love it. My friends are happy and that makes me even happier than I already am. Just as long as no one asks “When are you getting married?” But…I’m fortunate, most friends and family and usual nosy people know not to ask me questions like that. Sometimes getting an answer to a question out of me is like trying to get that camel through the eye of the needle. I’ve gotten better though…kinda. 😕
In other news…I’m dropping weight because this summer is going to be awesome and I have to be ready for it. Of course the more I get back into working out and mixing up the meal plan, the better I am feeling. Which is really good considering I am having health issues (surprise, surprise 😑) and I hadn’t been feeling my best prior to the recent change. I’m just trying to stay positive in all aspects of life. And so far that’s working out…it’s been months since I’ve felt the sadness or any anxiety. So I’m apparently doing something right. Just gonna stay on this path.
Well since I’m wide awake I might as well write right? Right. But not just write, because I write almost daily, but write and hit “post” when I’m done.
Too often I come in here and I write then I hit save in drafts. What stops me from hitting “post” every time? I would like to think I’m pretty open. So why can’t I post? I have no problem sharing my story…because you never know who might need to hear it. So why is it so hard sometimes to just hit “post” once I’m done writing? It’s because I’m private.
I never mind sharing my life…but things have to happen in time. And not always in my time either. So many times I’ve wanted to shout about things but I couldn’t. The timing wasn’t right. No matter how much I tried to find a way around the timing to make now be the right time, it didn’t matter. Timing is always perfect though.
I’m laying here thinking about how many times I felt like I had horrible timing or some event had horrible timing….then in retrospect I realized, the timing was perfect. Even things that aren’t necessarily good…the timing is still perfect. Even if we don’t understand why immediately….and sometimes there are things that we will just never understand…but trust the timing. Don’t rush it. I tell myself that often.
So I’m going to continue to write…and hopefully I can begin hitting “post” more often now. I just have to relax and trust the timing.