And Then There Was 1…

Many times in the past Dubb has questioned why I accept raggedy friends. I always try to see the good in everyone…even when it comes back to bite me in the ass. She has also told me several times before to not act surprised that people are acting exactly how they already showed me they would act. Yet…I keep the raggedy around. Some I have kept out of loyalty that even when they are being raggedy they still manage to come through for me. Others I have kept out of guilt and the feeling that if I care I won’t leave. I’ve been a big girl before and walked away…late, but the point is I did it. Most times I become a coward and I try to make others walk away from me instead. 

I thought I was done being a punk until today. Today I came to the realization that I was enabling and allowing raggedy to once again remain. When asked why by a different friend I answered quickly and honestly….out of guilt. Guilt that I owed her something because I did her wrong. Never mind the fact that she had done me wrong over and over and over. She is one of those “You can’t hurt my friend but I can” types. So while I knew she was taking up for me in several cases, I was ignoring the fact that she was tearing me down in so many more. 

So while I believe I have done such a great job of no longer accepting raggedy….one still remains. She’s in the distance, yet she’s very much there. The thought was that she will leave and that will be that, but the reality is she isn’t going anywhere if I don’t make her. But today it was brought to my attention…she cut me off long ago. She comes around for convenience and information. So why the hell do I need to hold on?

Leave a comment

Posted by on September 19, 2015 in Change, Life Lessons


Updates from sleepless nights…

As I lay here about to fall asleep, I figured I should come write. Baby girl was gone 6 weeks, the last 2 she was gone I was a mess. Borderline depressed because she was gone too long and I’m sure I won’t ever need a break that long again. I admit, I was seriously struggling before she left though. As a one year old her communication was in place but not solid enough for me to feel fully confident that I was meeting her needs. That of course led to many frustrating days and nights and eventually I was over it and needed a break or some help. So I was more than willing to say yes to her leaving for 6 weeks. Never. Again. 

But while she was gone, I wasn’t completely bored. Spent more time with The Man. Who is The Man? Well…he’s actually someone that I’ve been dating off and on for the last few years, and have been friends with even longer. We finally decided to do this for real. The transition has been so easy and just flowed, life is amazing. I’m just happy to be happy WITH someone. Funny because I had settled into single life and was really enjoying it….then boom now I’m in this whole relationship. 

Of course…………….someone has been popping up and trying to stir the pot. Can’t let the devil in on this one. 

Leave a comment

Posted by on September 4, 2015 in Daily Living, Relationships


Summer, Summer, Summertime…

Hello Summer! I know, I know, I’m late…not completely though since it has only officially been here less than a month. I feel like I have been SO busy the past few months, so the past couple weeks have been a much needed break in my life from the running around. I’m about to get a bigger break though…baby girl is leaving me for 6 weeks this weekend. I’m really looking forward to the break but I’m already sure I’m gonna miss her like crazy!!

We got to spend a little time with her brothers last night, we actually have been spending time with one of them more often too….nice that the siblings are trying their hardest to keep in touch. But the oldest is heading off to college in a few weeks and since he is leaving the state he wanted to be sure he saw baby girl before she leaves. I love the communication that is there between them, her aunt and uncle, one of the mom’s of the boys, and myself. It’s rough being in a mixed family, but communication is key and I think that the kids are all going to be just fine. 

Right now I am focused on a wedding I’m in this September….more on the weight loss for it lol. I’m trying to be FINE in my bridesmaid dress and for my +1 😏. Also focused on making sure I make the most of my “kid-free” time and hopefully this summer can go down in the books as awesome!

Leave a comment

Posted by on July 13, 2015 in Daily Living


Staying on this Path

Love is in the air! Well…not my air but in my friends’ air lol. I’ve been bombarded with wedding planning and discussions lately…and I love it. My friends are happy and that makes me even happier than I already am. Just as long as no one asks “When are you getting married?” But…I’m fortunate, most friends and family and usual nosy people know not to ask me questions like that. Sometimes getting an answer to a question out of me is like trying to get that camel through the eye of the needle. I’ve gotten better though…kinda. 😕

In other news…I’m dropping weight because this summer is going to be awesome and I have to be ready for it. Of course the more I get back into working out and mixing up the meal plan, the better I am feeling. Which is really good considering I am having health issues (surprise, surprise 😑) and I hadn’t been feeling my best prior to the recent change. I’m just trying to stay positive in all aspects of life. And so far that’s working out…it’s been months since I’ve felt the sadness or any anxiety. So I’m apparently doing something right. Just gonna stay on this path. 

Leave a comment

Posted by on March 26, 2015 in Daily Living


The Timing

Well since I’m wide awake I might as well write right? Right. But not just write, because I write almost daily, but write and hit “post” when I’m done. 

Too often I come in here and I write then I hit save in drafts. What stops me from hitting “post” every time? I would like to think I’m pretty open. So why can’t I post? I have no problem sharing my story…because you never know who might need to hear it. So why is it so hard sometimes to just hit “post” once I’m done writing? It’s because I’m private. 

I never mind sharing my life…but things have to happen in time. And not always in my time either. So many times I’ve wanted to shout about things but I couldn’t. The timing wasn’t right. No matter how much I tried to find a way around the timing to make now be the right time, it didn’t matter. Timing is always perfect though. 

I’m laying here thinking about how many times I felt like I had horrible timing or some event had horrible timing….then in retrospect I realized, the timing was perfect. Even things that aren’t necessarily good…the timing is still perfect. Even if we don’t understand why immediately….and sometimes there are things that we will just never understand…but trust the timing. Don’t rush it. I tell myself that often. 

So I’m going to continue to write…and hopefully I can begin hitting “post” more often now. I just have to relax and trust the timing. 

Leave a comment

Posted by on March 2, 2015 in Daily Living


New Year…Blessed Me

Happy New Year!!!

20 days in and I’m loving it already. This past year was bumpy, but good. So many lessons learned and adventures taken. Life seems to be falling into place. I told myself I would try to keep in touch with people a little more this year. I spent the past 2 years being anti social at times and extremely distant as I attempted to figure out my life and my new responsibilities at home and at work.

But as I prepare to move myself and Jordyn into our new home, I am looking forward to a new chapter. It will be my first time moving into a place without someone else, so this is a milestone for me. My first time truly living by myself came when I was almost 5 months pregnant and it was sudden. And now, I have Jordyn of course, but essentially it is as though I live alone because of her age. Just the two of us.

I am also still chilling and living the single life. I have a friend that is trying her best to set me up on dates though. I’m not opposed but I’m also not pressed either. I just want to remain in my chill state until it feels right to do something different. Several have made mention that I should get out there and meet people. Again, I’m not opposed but I’m also not pressed. Plus it is hard for me to do that. I don’t have the luxury of being out and around new people too often…it really feels like not at all. The few times I do go out, I’m around the same folks and my focus is just on relaxing and having fun. I don’t really think on meeting new people. Maybe I’ll make more of an effort this year. We’ll see. But one thing I definitely do know is that I’m feeling more like myself these days…I haven’t felt like this in years so hopefully I won’t lose this feeling.

Leave a comment

Posted by on January 20, 2015 in Daily Living


Just me…encouraged.

I never imagined I would be a mother. Definitely never imagined I would be a single mother. But here I am…a single mother. Not a mother who is single…as that has become the latest thing to want to discuss on social media…but I am a single mother. I do it all without input from her father. The tossing around of blame as to why he doesn’t do this or why he doesn’t do that got old quickly. I’ve always told him either you will or you won’t. No one is going to force you to do what you should be doing. Furthermore, the excuse after excuse of why…I don’t accept it. You are CHOOSING to not…no one is making you not.

It really is crazy how you never know how strong you are until you have no choice but to be strong. I have no choice. My life is no longer about me…I have a daughter to raise. I refuse to let her down. I must say that my load is definitely lightened because of those around me who love my daughter and love me and will do anything for us. But at the end of the day…it is just me here for her. Mommy. That’s what she knows.

Yesterday I cried…happy tears. These tears were brought on by the brother of my child’s father. Sometimes we all need a little appreciation, and he gave just that. He gave me words of encouragement and appreciation and he let me know that he loves both my daughter and me. It really means a lot when people can see that you are truly doing your best in a situation that isn’t the worst, but certainly isn’t the best. It is especially great when you are constantly feeling defeated and being made out to be the bad guy.

Frustration. Being misunderstood is the greatest frustration. But I can’t just sit here and dwell in it….because my baby is growing up and life is going on. I keep a smile on my face…if nothing else makes me smile she certainly does.

Leave a comment

Posted by on September 17, 2014 in Daily Living


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.